who's the hottest guy in our class?

Friends ask how i'm feeling or how it's been with *enter name here* and every time i tell them that things aren't going well, he's not talking to me, that he must have finally realized how much of a dork i am and just stopped. Just stopped talking to me. I always say it like it's  a joke.. or i try at least. My friends always ask if i'm okay and i tell them... i tell them that i'm fine, that i understand why he did it and i can't change his mind. But the truth is.. i'm not okay. Every time this topic of conversation comes up i'm reminded that i'm not okay. i'm NOT okay. i don't know why i lie, why i don't tell them that on the inside my heart feels like it's cracking and that the cracks are getting bigger and bigger every time my thoughts drift to him. And I feel like a bad friend when i can't even tell them that late at night when i can't get to sleep i get an urge to text him because i know that he will be awake but unlike the old times.. i'm not confident that he will text back or that conversation will flow as freely. But, even though when i'm at school and they bring my thoughts back to this one guy that wont even talk to me which shatters my heart, i can't find the strength to tell them all these things i'm feeling in that one moment when they ask. And it never gets any simpler or easier every time they ask, in all honesty... it hurts more.. every time. But i don't want them to stop.. I just want them to really know how i'm feeling. I just want the strength to tell them that.

this was kinda depressing... i guess.

and i know it was the first post in a while,

sorry,

and i don't know when the next time i'll be posting is.

lots of love,

tinny.